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Why DC Comics? Why?!

May 23, 2013

Alright, I know that some of you might not exactly care about this. In fact, a few of you might even think it’s childish for a man my age to care this much about comic books, but there’s something I just really need to get off my chest. I thought I would be able to let it slide but it’s been stuck in my head from the moment I heard about it.

I know we were all excited a few years ago when The Flash was rebooted in Showcase. I mean, I loved it. I really didn’t think I could ever have a problem with bringing back superheroes to comics. This new Flash isn’t quite the character I grew up reading, but let’s face it Jay Garrick was a little… stale. Barry Allen is a new Flash for a new generation, and his series is done really well. I’d even say it’s a little more realistic than the original and I can really get behind that.

After all, Barry Allen is still essentially the Flash. He’s a super fast young scientist who got his powers from a lab accident. Plus, they made a fabulous nod to all the work that came before them by having Barry Allen get the idea for his name and costume from an original Flash comic book! That’s so neat, and let’s all just agree that if someone did get super-speed powers they sure wouldn’t pattern themselves after the Whizzer.

They’ve done such great work that they’ll supposedly be bringing back Flash Comics later this year. Rumor is the issue is going to be number 105, meaning that they’ll keep the same numbering. That’s good thinking on their part. After all, who wants to reorganize their comic book collections with a whole bunch of new #1 comics? Could you imagine the chaos if they just started all these characters at issue one again? Where would you put it? After 104 or before 2? Or should you just put it in a whole new box?

I digress though, I’m really writing this because of the other rumor that has been floating around about the coming year. I know you’ve all heard it too. How couldn’t you? If you’re into comic books, you’ve had your ear to the ground ever since Barry Allen came out in Showcase #4. People have been asking all sorts of questions about what bringing back superhero comics will do to western and horror comics, and if they’re even thinking of bringing anybody else back.

Personally, if you’re a fan of non-superhero comics, I bet you’re quite happy about this news because it pretty much proves that the Flash is a complete fluke.

Yes, it’s been announced that at some point in the next year, DC Comics is going to be rebooting Green Lantern. At first, I was super-excited to hear this news. The Green Lantern was my favorite hero growing up, and he still is now. After all, he can make anything he imagines with his magical ring, and despite being so obviously magical his stories were set in a real world.

When this rumor first started circulating, I couldn’t help but imagine a modern Green Lantern. Stalking through subway tunnels, lighting his way with a magical ring. Capturing criminals with emerald nets and dueling with magical monsters like Solomon Grundy with a shining green shield. It was just such a neat fit with some of the more intense horror and true crime stories that have been written over the past few years.

But no.

No, they had to go and ruin a great story like the Green Lantern. Even though it was completely obvious what they should do with the character, they had to go and make a change just because it’s been ten years. It’s a change just for the sake of change!

For those of you that are in the dark, let me light things up with my magical ring.

They’re apparently going to turn Green Lantern Alan Scott, a train engineer who fights crime with a magical ring, into some kind of… space cop?

I’m not even joking. He fights alien crime in space, or some other science fiction bunk!

Apparently he is going to get his ring from an alien who is a part of some huge galaxy spanning organization that fights crime on different planets. They’re also supposedly going to use a new character too. At first, I’d think it would be some scientist, to keep the whole trend going with Barry Allen being a scientist. Instead, he’s apparently some military test pilot or something. I guess he needs to be a pilot since he’ll be flying some alien rocket around half the time!

What’s even the point of having a power ring that lets you create anything you can imagine when you can just fire a ray gun at the criminals? If they even let the Green Lantern have his original powers when they do this. Who knows? The ring might just let him fly through space and shoot ray-blasts now!

Some people have even been saying that I shouldn’t be getting this worked up over it. That this is going to be totally neat.

To them, I say, ‘No, it is not going to be neat!’

You don’t just go throwing away a decade of continuity just because it’s 1959!

Green Lantern was great as a magical protector, but since it’s the future now everything needs to have UFOs and lasers. I just can’t even wrap my head around the fact that someone would look at Green Lantern and say, “Yeah, he should be a space cop.” How do you even come to that conclusion? I bet the first thing he’ll do with the ring is silly and science fiction-y, like make a dumb laser-sword.

Seriously, where do the writers of this piece of trash get off changing such a brilliant, original, and cherished character like this?

What else are they going to change?

Is Solomon Grundy going to be some sort of alien monster? Why would he even be called Solomon Grundy? They don’t have the nursery rhyme in space!

In fact, why would they even be called Green Lanterns? Lanterns were made by humans. Are all these alien Green Lanterns just other people? How does that even work? Or worse, what if these alien Green Lanterns aren’t human-like? Can you imagine the dumb story lines and characters that can come from Green Lantern being a space cop?

What if one of the Green Lanterns is a planet or what if one of them is from a species that doesn’t see?

It would be utterly ridiculous but they’ll get away with it because it’s “science fiction.” All of these aliens could happen. Some people will even say it’s interesting to imagine all those possibilities.

Well let me tell you what was interesting!

Watching a man use his imagination and force of will to outwit real criminals on Earth. Not aliens who are trying to steal… quatloos from some space bank or whatever stories they intend to tell. Why can’t Green Lantern just be on Earth like he always was?

It’s like they saw all the things I liked as a kid and decided they weren’t good enough anymore. They’re just taking away everything I enjoyed and replacing it with something that doesn’t even make sense. Worse, they don’t even realize how ridiculous what they’re doing is!

I just hope that they don’t let Kanigher and Broome anywhere near it, because redoing the Flash is already enough of my childhood memories for them to control. Of course, they’ll probably bring them in for a storyline every so often, because you know, they’re the ones who made superheroes hip again therefore they’re the only ones who can be trusted to write cool superhero stories.

I suppose Green Lantern is just the first to fall to the science fiction-ification of super heroes. I’m sure it will happen to all the great heroes, turning them into characters that would win the silver medal at a competition of who the best version is.

I know that not everyone cares about this sort of thing, but I just really needed to get it off my chest. I’m sure plenty of you are still think that turning Green Lantern into a space cop is really neat and cool but I just can’t.

I guess most people just don’t understand Green Lantern like I do.

Thanks for reading.

By the way, I bet you they’ll reboot Vandal Savage as some sort of immortal alien dictator who uses a yellow ring because that will raise so many of the questions that science fiction authors seem to love!

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